JPCenter Web Reflections-2009
RELAY FOR LIFE – REFLECTION ON CANCER Sister Jeanette Wasinger, CSJ September 9, 2010
It was December 22, 2009, that I received the news that I had Stage 4, small cell carcinoma of the lung with metastasis. I had often wondered how I would move from this life to the next. What would take me there? Who would companion me? How would I be in the process? My Mother and brother both suffered and died of cancer. Although, cancer did not take my Dad’s life, he, too, had cancer. I have also had many community and family members receive the news of the presence of cancer. Some survived. Many did not. I ministered as a Pastoral Care Minister to many people through their experience of life, death and anticipation of “new life.”
There were instant decisions to make about treatment, whether I needed to end my ministry and return to Kansas, since I was living in California, and how fast might this cancer move and grow. I was encouraged to return to Kansas pronto if I was not going to start treatment in California.
What I remember when I met with the oncologist after my primary physician came to my home to deliver the grim message, were the words I heard inside of myself. “This is not all about you.” I have worked for a lifetime to embrace the central call of the gospel, “THAT ALL MAY BE ONE.” That means to LOVE ONE ANOTHER. I felt at one with all of the suffering people of the world. I did not want the attention to be on me, but I felt expansive and loving. I decided on the spot not to start treatment in CA, for the diagnosis was serious and I would probably live a very short time, “perhaps until Easter” without treatment. I knew that I wanted to be with my Community and family and friends in Kansas. A friend and I, with the help of my California friends, helped me declutter and let go of all I thought I would not need so I could pack the car and send to Kansas what was important to hold on to.
I returned to Kansas, January 3, 2010. I have been surrounded by love and compassion by everyone I meet. I did consent to treatment of one round of chemotherapy and a regime of radiation treatments to my lung. Easter came and went. I called myself, “A Resurrected Woman!” Now I live from day-to-day. My awareness of beauty and goodness is heightened. I have no enemies and no unfinished business. I am grateful to everyone, and I feel great companionship. I find myself filled with love. It has been a time of abundant grace. Of course, I have no pain, as yet, but I do get very weary and have no reserve of energy that I enjoyed all my life. If cancer can be called “a gift” I have received it. In the spirit of nonviolence, I do not “fight” it. I call cancer my “sacred guest” and I live my life as fully as I can.
I don’t know what it would be like to live with cancer without the prayer, support and love of community, family and friends. My experience is one of grace, gratitude and openness to what the future holds. I have no fear. For all that has been, THANKS. For all that is, THANKS. For all that is to come, YES!
